March 28th: Over two years ago we started this parenting journey. We expected it to be filled with love, joy, difficulties and frustrations. We were excited and scared to be parents, to create a human being and to be 100% responsible for it. I don't know if you're ever ready for it but our hearts were ready to love. We would never have expected our journey to turn out the way it did. This isn't just a temporary journey of difficulties for a season or a year but this journey will last our lifetime. It's the journey of healing our hearts. I think about our journey all the time- if things were different, if I had more control but then I have to remember that this journey though it may not be what we planned was given to us by God. He is in control and he has something amazing planned. Eden has changed our lives forever, and we have already seen how much Eden changed the lives of so many others.
Just this week I spoke with a music therapist at Children's and commented on how lovely and touching the new commercial for Children's is featuring her playing music to a little boy. I told her that not only did our girls love music therapy but so did we as parents. We felt at peace and calm. We also discussed something new that's happening in the NICU- babies being able to receive music therapy and we collectively realized that Eden paved the way for this. We begged for music therapy to continue after she was transferred back to the NICU from ICC and the nurses agreed that they would make an exception to the rule. Now it's having more often! There will be many more babies and parent who will be able to receive this special gift because of Eden. She is so amazing even now.
This journey is hard, my heart feels heavy, there are tears in the back of my eyes often, I feel sadder some days than others and tired too. But despite this difficult journey when I think of Eden- her smile, her beautiful eyes, her tiny hands, soft skin, her long hair- I feel happy. My heart feels happy that I had almost 8 months with her and no one can take away those memories. Scott is on this journey too, his journey make look or feel different than mine but I know there's not a day that goes by that he doesn't think about Eden. And he's hurting too, his heart needs to heal too. And Reagan.... we don't know yet about her journey. I want her so badly to remember her sister. It's even hard to write this with tears flowing down my cheeks because more than anything I want her to have her sister. Their hearts were next to each others- beating at the same rate, they calmed each when they were together and of course they were beautiful mirror images of each other. It's painful to think that she may not remember Eden, we will help keep Eden alive for her but I hope and pray that she has her own memories too.
This journey is not over, it will continue and we will rely on God, our church, family, friends and others to get through it. Here is a final thought that describes our journey, it is from Isaiah 43, v2:
'When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you".