This weekend was our first holiday without Eden. Even though the girls would be too young to understand what Easter is all about, it still makes me incredibly sad that we couldn't be together as a family. It was bittersweet to get Reagan dressed in her Easter dress and take pictures of her alone. My heart was aching the entire time. There is no lack of heartache in my blog posts, and they may be this way for awhile.... just a warning.
Everything is hard. Getting up is hard, showering is hard, playing with Reagan is hard, leaving the house is nearly impossible. I can't see myself ever truly smiling like before or laughing quite as happily. My heart literally hurts, my mind is full of questions and I keep asking God why. I have pain, heartache, anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment... there are not enough words. I just keep saying 'I want her back' and 'I can't believe she's gone'. Scott and I often just look at each other with tears in our eyes and say, I can't believe she's gone. The small seed of comfort I have is when I close my eyes and see her face. I can feel her soft hair on my lips, touch her cheeks with my fingers, gaze at her beautiful lashes and trace her perfect lips. This image is forever in my mind and my heart. I will never forget. And we will never be the same Amanda and Scott.
Please pray for us.